Day 8

Mornings are always better I think about the future a lot I've noticed. Also living for what's going to happen instead of what IS happening. During my time here while I haven't been writing it, I've been narrating my life to my friends and family as if what I am living now was in the past. It is incredible actually. Also I'm embarrassed to say I've been gauging who would be able to make it through this 10 day prison in order to get to freedom. My list only consisted of those who couldn't which leads me to my second realization. I compare and judge. Here I try not to look at people because its such a weakness that even SEEING them brings out some opinions, judgements, comparisons.

The truth

the truth is this - I may die today (don't form an opinion on the statement - don't look at it in fear[though its scary] or protest[though i don't want it to happen] i may die today. my friends and family may die today [though this is honestly less scary to me than it is for them] i am getting old, my body is not as fit as it once was.

the scary thing is about these 2 truths is what I want before I die is contradictory
1. what progress have i made in my life - mental progress that is. these judgements i have, have no meaning on my death bed, yet hinder my growth mentally

2. what have i made of my life - what have i obtained - love, dog, kitchen of my dreams?

You see the dilemma?

i also realize that i run to everything. i wait to the last minute so that i can rush. i work too much. i rarely give myself time to reflect, meditate in fact i avoid it. i eat dinner weekdays not b/c i'm hungry (since i barely eat on weekends) but b/c i'm bored. i rush to airports b/c i don't want to sit "twiddling my thumbs waiting" what i must do is not consider what i do as 'waiting'. here i am standing, that's it - i may be in a queue bu i don't think that b/c instantly i wan that queue to be faster so i am standing. breathing in and out. there will be no more waiting.

but no judging me on this - i can't judge myself and no one else can judge me or try to make me stick to it. it is, like my life, a work in progress, that only i can direct. my own play.