Just had the most concentrated meditation of my life this morning! started thinking on impermanence then try to capture the feeling and used breathing meditation to hold on to it. Note for me: when I begin to rush and walk fast and hurry and drive fast its because i'm thinking about the future. its ok to Plan for the future but then let it go, it doesn't exist and since everything changes, it may never occur.
if you forget - remember waking on the sidewalk here beside the woman's dorm. you saw a black cat headed in your direction and you thought you may pet it. However you saw the cat's attention jump to the side - it may change it's path. so you thought 'oh, if this cat's path intersects with mine. Then, i'll pet it'
everything changes - nothing remains the same. remember
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Day 9
Today we live as monks only 1 meal and no dharma talks. today i sat indian style with no pain and vould maintain the position after the meditation was over. slept well last night ( day 8 night recap - night meditation with background music again this time though the monks in training began chanting - that helped me to persevere)
restless during night time meditation.
restless during night time meditation.
Day 8
Mornings are always better I think about the future a lot I've noticed. Also living for what's going to happen instead of what IS happening. During my time here while I haven't been writing it, I've been narrating my life to my friends and family as if what I am living now was in the past. It is incredible actually. Also I'm embarrassed to say I've been gauging who would be able to make it through this 10 day prison in order to get to freedom. My list only consisted of those who couldn't which leads me to my second realization. I compare and judge. Here I try not to look at people because its such a weakness that even SEEING them brings out some opinions, judgements, comparisons.
The truth
the truth is this - I may die today (don't form an opinion on the statement - don't look at it in fear[though its scary] or protest[though i don't want it to happen] i may die today. my friends and family may die today [though this is honestly less scary to me than it is for them] i am getting old, my body is not as fit as it once was.
the scary thing is about these 2 truths is what I want before I die is contradictory
1. what progress have i made in my life - mental progress that is. these judgements i have, have no meaning on my death bed, yet hinder my growth mentally
2. what have i made of my life - what have i obtained - love, dog, kitchen of my dreams?
You see the dilemma?
i also realize that i run to everything. i wait to the last minute so that i can rush. i work too much. i rarely give myself time to reflect, meditate in fact i avoid it. i eat dinner weekdays not b/c i'm hungry (since i barely eat on weekends) but b/c i'm bored. i rush to airports b/c i don't want to sit "twiddling my thumbs waiting" what i must do is not consider what i do as 'waiting'. here i am standing, that's it - i may be in a queue bu i don't think that b/c instantly i wan that queue to be faster so i am standing. breathing in and out. there will be no more waiting.
but no judging me on this - i can't judge myself and no one else can judge me or try to make me stick to it. it is, like my life, a work in progress, that only i can direct. my own play.
The truth
the truth is this - I may die today (don't form an opinion on the statement - don't look at it in fear[though its scary] or protest[though i don't want it to happen] i may die today. my friends and family may die today [though this is honestly less scary to me than it is for them] i am getting old, my body is not as fit as it once was.
the scary thing is about these 2 truths is what I want before I die is contradictory
1. what progress have i made in my life - mental progress that is. these judgements i have, have no meaning on my death bed, yet hinder my growth mentally
2. what have i made of my life - what have i obtained - love, dog, kitchen of my dreams?
You see the dilemma?
i also realize that i run to everything. i wait to the last minute so that i can rush. i work too much. i rarely give myself time to reflect, meditate in fact i avoid it. i eat dinner weekdays not b/c i'm hungry (since i barely eat on weekends) but b/c i'm bored. i rush to airports b/c i don't want to sit "twiddling my thumbs waiting" what i must do is not consider what i do as 'waiting'. here i am standing, that's it - i may be in a queue bu i don't think that b/c instantly i wan that queue to be faster so i am standing. breathing in and out. there will be no more waiting.
but no judging me on this - i can't judge myself and no one else can judge me or try to make me stick to it. it is, like my life, a work in progress, that only i can direct. my own play.
Day 7
Everytime I say "I" can do this I reinforce the ego. while meditating I need to think of something else.
Slept the best last night thus far, I think its b/c I meditated before. A man left today at 6 pm, seriously? only 4 more days. he sounded like he was going to come back and start from day 0. ug
9 pm at the 7:30 pm meditation the neighbors decided to blast BOOM BOOM POW by the black eyed peas. The cow decided to try and be louder and all while we "meditated". I'm tired. I'm tired of taking a shower in water that's in a concrete pool left outside for the duration of this venture. I'm tired of taking a "shower" with a sarong on and outside. I'm tired of bugs crawling on me while I meditate. My meditation problem now is pain (sitting/standing for a long time, itching, bugs and my mind's own invention of bugs, pain and itching) arrgh.
Slept the best last night thus far, I think its b/c I meditated before. A man left today at 6 pm, seriously? only 4 more days. he sounded like he was going to come back and start from day 0. ug
9 pm at the 7:30 pm meditation the neighbors decided to blast BOOM BOOM POW by the black eyed peas. The cow decided to try and be louder and all while we "meditated". I'm tired. I'm tired of taking a shower in water that's in a concrete pool left outside for the duration of this venture. I'm tired of taking a "shower" with a sarong on and outside. I'm tired of bugs crawling on me while I meditate. My meditation problem now is pain (sitting/standing for a long time, itching, bugs and my mind's own invention of bugs, pain and itching) arrgh.
Day 6
Less stimulants. less TV channels. Less books. Less computer games. Less computer playing. Less buying. Less
You need to desire less.
this is why this is so hard, Ihave been over stimulated and boredom is dukka (suffering). Even in meditation I can can sit still for 30 minutes not in much pain. IF I think about something stimulating but the irony is that stimulation makes "me" exist and "me" is the only thing in pain.
You need to desire less.
this is why this is so hard, Ihave been over stimulated and boredom is dukka (suffering). Even in meditation I can can sit still for 30 minutes not in much pain. IF I think about something stimulating but the irony is that stimulation makes "me" exist and "me" is the only thing in pain.
Day 5
4 am I will not give up.
someone left extra food and a note to pet the mangy cat. ganbarimasu.
9 pm was bitten by fire ants in the bathroom - fun.
someone left extra food and a note to pet the mangy cat. ganbarimasu.
9 pm was bitten by fire ants in the bathroom - fun.
Day 4
Ganbarimasu. sat in pain cross-legged. Made it through the 30 minute session. after thinking, that's not the point. will be comfortable from now on
some girl was crying - why? no one is talking. I thought 2 people had left - i think its been 10 and I head another one say her goodbyes today. I will not give up, it is difficult but I am staying!
I am keeping journal entries, emails in my head for day 11 but I need to focus more on now...
Having said that for the future daily life, if I live until then, I will meditate everyday including the weekend, cut down on TV and go to more than just kadampa class - keeping it as my main practice. If I don't die today.
some girl was crying - why? no one is talking. I thought 2 people had left - i think its been 10 and I head another one say her goodbyes today. I will not give up, it is difficult but I am staying!
I am keeping journal entries, emails in my head for day 11 but I need to focus more on now...
Having said that for the future daily life, if I live until then, I will meditate everyday including the weekend, cut down on TV and go to more than just kadampa class - keeping it as my main practice. If I don't die today.
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